


On Traversing Oceans & Other Minor Matters

by Airmid



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse of Angel Powers (Supernatural), Crack, Developing Relationship, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 10:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20173081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Airmid/pseuds/Airmid
Summary: As though angels and demons and pagans gods attempting to snack on them wasn’t enough, the world somehow found a way to get weirder for the brothers. And a bit more wet.





	On Traversing Oceans & Other Minor Matters

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a long time ago as a potential entry for a challenge to write a story using either all dialogue or all narrative that I ended up not using and has been sitting around unloved ever since. As I choose the all dialogue option for this one, the entry has the following rules:
> 
> \- The story should be written entirely with dialogue.
> 
> \- Basic dialogue tags can be used, e.g. "Jack said" or, "Theresa asked"; however, descriptions such as "Amanda said quietly", "they were sitting in a darkened room", or "Jack squeezed his stress ball as he spoke" are not allowed, even as an action tag.
> 
> \- Dialogue tags should be used only to identify the speaker, not to describe how they are saying something or what they are doing.
> 
> The following story is a conversation entirely between Sam and Dean and would take place around mid-season five, though the timeline is nebulous at best and should probably be considered a bit AU from established canon.

* * *

“You forgot it.”

“Shut it, Sam.”

“You did. Of all the times to not forget, you –“

“_I said_, shut your pie hole, Sam. You do not get to give me that look. You look like an agitated shaved bear when you do that.”

“Do what? Just what do I do, _Dean_?”

“Stand there with the nose flare thing. Yeah like that, with your red scowly face and crossed arms. You’d be hard-pressed to intimidate a choir boy looking like that.”

“Why does it bother you so much?”

“Because I got to stare at it for the next however long we are on this godforsaken patch of land.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if you hadn’t left your lighter in the last room. _Who does that_? I mean, you make sure to grab your mags, because God forbid you live without your fix, but leave behind our supplies.”

“Just – it’s fine. Okay? We are fine. People have used things like sticks to light fires all the time before we got clever and stylish and made Zippos.”

“Why did you even take yours out of your pocket?”

“It was bothering me.”

“Uh-huh. It wouldn’t have anything to do with that chick at that dive you’ve been trying to pick up for the last couple of nights thinking you were a closet smoker because of it? You know, the one you wanted for your lowlife Christmas that’s coming up.”

“No, and it’s Unattached Drifter Christmas, Sam. Jesus, get somethin’ right.”

“Go find us two sticks to rub together. I don’t think the kindling between your ears is going to cut it.”

“Why me? You’ve got the leg stride.”

“I wasn’t the one that forgot, Dean.”

“You gonna let this drop?”

“Nope.”

“Just keep being the annoying little brother. At least you’re good at one thing. Oh, yeah, take a swing. Bring it, big boy.”

“Just go find something so we can get warm. We don’t even have anything to dry off the weapons with and the ammo’s probably toast.”

“Don’t remind me. I think there’s algae trying to colonize on my jeans. Going to have to get close and personal if we meet anything out here.”

“To bad the car wasn’t water-sealed.”

“Pretty sure it wasn’t made to be submerged, Sam. The engine should have choked.”

“Yeah, well I doubt Chevy planned ahead for random encounters with archangels posing as trickster gods.”

“When I get my hands on that scrawny little neck I’m gonna snap it like a twig.”

“And then Gabriel will just laugh while he does something worse to us.”

“Worse than what, Sam? Seeing if underwater breathing was part of our own private Sea World package? Water sloshing up to our chins, only a red flashing arrow to maybe land, fish looking at us like _we’re _the weird ones –“

“You’re preoccupied with the passing judgment of clownfish?”

“The point_, Sam_, is what he did to my car. Look at her. We just barely missed the coral. She’s soaked inside and out. That’s going to molder. Ain't no way the sun can dry it out before it goes down, ‘specially with the tropical air. Stuff makes you moist in all the wrong places. _Like I need more of that._ And aren’t these places supposed to just be loaded up on coconuts for fancy bras?”

“I’m _amazed_ you’re still single.”

“Just thinking of your comfort.”

“God, why are so frustrating? Do you really think we’re stuck on something like Gilligan’s Island? Cause I’m thinking something more hostile here.”

“Seeing that we drove our car along the seabed and who sent us – hey, you don’t think this is going to be like Bloodlust, do you? Meet some suave gentlemen, get chased down like dogs -”

“You watch _way too much_ late-night crap, and stop giving him ideas.”

“No, really. I mean, think about it. You turn him down –“

“_Don’t go there_."

“ – and now we get put down. Makes sense.”

“Why the two of you don’t get along better given you’re both nuts is beyond me.”

“I tend to draw the line at things that mess with Baby. And he’s messed with Baby, more than once I might add. Oh, and killed me repeatedly.”

“Which you don’t remember.”

“You do, so that counts. Think he’d show up if I called him a coward?”

“I think you’ll get your ass struck by lightning first.”

“You couldn’t just humor him? Tell him yes, then we leave town real fast and quiet like while he waits someplace for you.”

“I’m sure that would have ended _so much better_.”

“Just saying, there had to be a better option than just turning him down flat out, Sam. He even brought you flowers. Like he knew that you were secretly a girl trapped in the body of a Yeti.”

“It’s not funny. I said it’s _not funny_!”

“Your face almost matches the rose he had for you. Too good, Sammy. _Too good._ Would have preferred he trapped you in the ocean instead of both of us. Wasn’t like I turned him down for the most commercialized love holiday of the year.”

“I think it was the comment about him being desperate, Dean.”

“Yeah, probably should have saved that one. But he was asking you, so apparently, it applied.”

“Doesn’t matter; we need to start a fire to dry clothes.”

“You think he got us soaked in order for us to strip?”

“I – I, Jesus, Dean. Why did you have to bring that up?”

“Stop clutching your shirt, you’ll still be virginal even after a peep show, Mary. As long as we get dry, Baby is dry, and we cook up some of those crabs running around soon, it’s gonna be good.”

“We could actually look around and see if there’s anything on this place.”

“Need to stop sloshing in our boots first. You want to go barefoot out here? Christ, everything is probably poisonous and exotic and wanting us dead. Plus, the trunk is like its own aquarium. Need to pull out and salvage what we can before the rust sets in. Given just how vast and bountiful this place is with its like twelve trees and ravishing ten-yard long coastline, I can’t image who wouldn’t want to build in the middle of nowhere.”

“There could be something.”

“Sure, and we could also be somewhere out in the Atoll’s, you know, the irradiated ones and damn, if I see a yellow talking square sponge out here I’m shooting it.”

“Powder’s wet, remember?”

“Then beheading.”

“Uh, that may not be practical, given the body –“

“Or stabbing and mincing. Whatever. Don’t overthink. You’ll hurt yourself.”

“Just find some wood. And no, what’s in your pants doesn’t count.”

“Stay classy, Sam. You’re all sulky. Wasn’t like you were ruining anything. Can’t ruin a relationship you don’t have.”

“Sure.”

“Huh.”

“We need more than this.”

“Oh no. No, no, no. Sammy, please tell me you did not go out with the thing that murdered me a bazillion times, tortured you, trapped us in a herpes commercial, and is just generally a pain in our asses whenever he shows up… Sam?”

“Building a fire. Like you should be doing.”

“Jesus, you did. And you turned him down when he showed up with flowers and a clean shirt. Like he thought he had it in the bag before you kicked him out the door.”

“I did not kick him out the door. He left.”

“You might as well have, with the way you said it. All pissed like.”

“You’re taking his side?”

“_What_? No. I just – well, I get it a bit better why he’s pissed. Maybe if you had better manners we wouldn’t be trapped in what’s probably going to devolve into a terrible B-movie plot. What, got nothing to say to that?”

“No.”

“Seems to be a favorite word of yours today, Sammy.”

“Shut it.”

“I want to know why you turned him down. What happened? Bad first date? Did he turn you into something?”

“No, it was fine. And it wasn’t like a date-date. More like just a meet up with a maybe friend, quasi former enemy.”

“Do I even wanna know when this was?”

“Not that long ago.”

“Why’d you even go out with him?”

“He makes Lucifer go away. And he’s not an asshole all the time.”

“Well blow me down, an angel with a heart. So, the first date?”

“Like any other awkward encounter in existence. Apparently, archangels get nervous.”

“That cocky bastard? Should have taken pictures for Ripley’s. Probably would have helped if he had, well, helped in the past. Instead of doing whatever the hell he did. Did he even say why he did all that?”

“Something about thinking destiny had to play out. Dunno, hard to catch. I think he said part of it in another language.”

“So…back to coward again.”

“He apologized.”

“Well then, let’s all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Doesn’t make it all better.”

“No.”

“You could have humored him. Maybe he would have been more helpful with the whole world ending stuff going on.”

“You wanted me to say yes?”

“_Not_ _like that_. You know what I mean. Keep the ball rolling, get a little extra heavenly assist on the side.”

“So use him?”

“You make it sound bad when you put it like that, Sam.”

“Can we just not talk about it?”

“I’ll stop when you tell me why. Dude thing a big no go?”

“It’s not like that. And not an issue, anyways.”

“Huh, things I’m learning about you every day. Dad was probably right about college doing weird things.”

“_Dean_ –“

“Alright, alright. So why are we here? Being overgrown, sulky, and silent, isn’t communicating.”

“Like you know anything about communicating. You have _entire _conversations in glares, Dean.”

“So, you want to spend your time on killer paradise island doing that? Because I’ll do it, Sam. Trying to do this all civil and got to admit the shock not wearing off yet is helping. So we need to do that talking thing that you always whine we don’t do enough of instead of just kicking your ass for getting yourself _back _in the supernatural saddle. And let me tell you, it’s hard holding my good nature together by threads.”

“Like you have a good nature towards anything without breasts and a pair of heels.”

“Need an answer in the _next ten seconds_, Sammy.”

“Causeyouwerethere.”

“What? Breathe and speak louder, Sam. Not all of us can interpret mortified squeak.”

“You.”

“What? Silence isn’t filling in the holes here.”

“Because he asked in front of you, Dean. Happy now?”

“Not really. What the hell do I have to do with it?”

“You’d never let it go. Like now. You aren’t letting it go.”

“So you wanted to say yes, were embarrassed by your life choices, _as you should be_, and kicked him out. I’m starting to see why we’re on the island. Or at least you. You hear that you feathered jackass? Not my fault. Want to be beamed back to earth prime, _now_.”

“Doubt that’s going to work.”

“So what? He helped get Luci to stop tap dancing through your dreamscape in exchange for dating him?”

“No.”

“Need a little more, Sam. Because thinking about this, I’m getting ready for an angel hunt with a follow-up BBQ.”

“He said he’d still help with that even if I didn’t want to see him. Like ever.”

“As in, never have to endure his douchey face ever again in person?”

“Yeah.”

“Huh. _O-kay_, and you still went with Option B?”

“Can we focus on getting this fire going?”

“Need answers to these bombs you keep dropping, Sam. Like, I had this happy thought of us not going off on the path of darkness until about an hour and ten nautical miles ago.”

“You shutting up in the next five seconds would be my own happy thought.”

“Not happening. Are you just letting all the crap he pulled slide?”

“It’s not that easy, Dean.”

“And you told him _that_?”

“Yeah.”

“So, a relationship built on smoldering resentment then.”

“Dean!”

“Alright, whatever. He still came back around?”

“Yes.”

“And now we’re here. You could have just told me this. Remember, a fresh start, no secrets?”

“I – “

“You what, Sam? Didn’t know how to explain how you were running off with something we thought was an enemy, just like –“

“_Don’t you dare. Don’t even go there_. This. This is why I was never going to bring it up.”

“Sure. Like you have a great track record of making good, informed choices.”

“Shut the hell up, Dean.”

“Oh, Sam, so scary.”

“Christ, will you drop it?”

“No, I will not drop it. You make bad choices. This is a good example of making a bad choice.”

“Oh, and you’re the poster boy of making well-informed decisions, especially those that affect your family. Besides, I doubt we’re going to have a relationship after this, so you can rest easy.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’d get plenty pissed off I was turned down because my date was ashamed of me.”

“I wasn’t – wait. _You’re supporting him_?”

“_No_! Well, you’ve moved up to a slightly less evil though infinitely more annoying supernatural creature. And if he actually is giving you sleep and keeping Satan in his own room, well, that’s something. He’s also pretty volatile.”

“_Obviously_.”

“Children. They’re like children with supped up magic wands. But at least I get why we’re out here. I mean, I’d probably leave a parting gift if someone shunned me as you did. Not that I’m excusing this.”

“I don’t think shouting at the sky makes him hear us better, Dean.”

“Doesn’t hurt.”

“Also doesn’t seem to be helping. Seeing that we’re stuck here, the car isn’t a boat, and the world is still ending. Not like my relationship, or former relationship, is important.”

“Sam –“

“No, you don’t get to take the high road, Dean. Don’t you dare be all supportive of him.”

“He’s the one that’s not totally wrong at this point! Obviously, this is a bit of over-kill but –“

“Oh, you’re all for my dating him now?”

“Hell no.”

“So, you’re just being frustrating for the sake of it now?”

“Sam, look_. I don’t like him. I’m not gonna pretend to like him_. I’m not going to be all nice and polite when he shows up. But, you are the one that kept it a secret and then caused this because you were embarrassed to be seen with something that comes up to your chest with flippy hair.”

“Not helping.”

“Stop looking like a kid with a broken doll, would ya? You can’t keep these kinds of secrets anymore. That’s how we got into trouble last time. I care that you date him, don’t get me wrong. But if he’s helpful, non-destructive, and doesn’t hurt us, barring this side jaunt, I’ll let you talk with him without emptying my weapon into him first.”

“_Thanks_. How life-affirming of you, Dean. Don’t think that’s going to be an issue now.”

“Buck up. What’s that saying about relationships built on adversity?

“They tend to crash and burn?”

“That’s not – what the hell? God, so tired of angel airlines and the – wait. Yes, yes, yes! We’re dry. Baby’s dry. Feel her, Sam. Feel the seat.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Pussy. She’s all back together and not damaged, and my boots don’t squish. Listen to that engine purr. What’s in the bag, there? Dead rats?”

“Food.”

“Give it. Starving over here.”

“You ate like two hours ago.”

“Burned through it during our time as Jacques Cousteau. Oh, man, smells great. Bacon burgers. Fries. Good stuff.”

“Seeing the menu, he probably got it for you since you decided to be his cheerleader.”

“Anything to make life more painful for you, Sam.”

“_Dean!_”

“What?”

“Did you have to do that in the car?”

“Window was rolled down, my hand was outside, and we’re in the middle of farm country. They’re probably used to the sound out here with coyotes or wolves or whatever happens to chomp on things since I have no clue where we are.”

“Not an excuse for a weapon’s discharge!”

“Just checking to see if the powder is as dry as my ass is currently, Sam. Oh, you big baby. The ringing will go away in a few.”

“I hate you _so much_ at times.”

“Nah, you don’t. What would you do without me?”

“Probably have a peaceful next few months without you bitching and whining about an archangel that you keep threatening to stake until Satan comes to collect me and the world implodes.”

“Not letting you ruin my food and being dry high, Sammy. Here, I think the note’s for you. Probably something to brighten our already rainbow day.”

“Great.”

“What’s it say? Sam?”

“Nothing.”

“I definitely see squiggly stuff there. That ain't nothin’.”

“It says, ‘We’ll talk later’.”

“Not ominous at all. What’s that wavy angel junk at the end?”

“His name.”

“Not asking how you know that.”

“Some of us read more than skin mags, Dean.”

“Does he sign all his little love notes like that?”

“No.”

“I’d say I’ll pray for you, but we all know how that’s going to end.”

“Thanks. You can stop laughing now. Are you even sure we’re even back in reality?”

“Hey, I’m not wet. Baby’s not wet. There’s hot food. We’re on a road going somewhere. Can’t complain. Though if the trunk’s still full of water, there will be words, Sam.”

“_This isn’t my fault_.”

“The last couple of hours are one hundred percent _your_ _fault._ And still pissed, FYI. When the shock wears off I’m going to have questions. I want answers, like real answers, Sam. Not some muttering under your breath with accompanying hand waving. No repeats of worst hits from the past, comprende?”

“Kay.”

“Can’t wait till you explain this train wreck to Bobby.”

“Who says Gabriel even wants to keep doing whatever this is?”

“You don’t do all this and short circuit it like he did if he didn’t have some big hard-on for you. Ugh, I just grossed myself out a bit.”

“Yet you keep eating.”

“You know what I meant.”

“You could not look so gleeful about the whole thing.”

“Older brother privilege, Sam.”

“Just stop cramming your face with food and drive.” 


End file.
